I can't seem to hold a thought in my head for more than a few minutes lately. So, all I could do is put together a list of some of these fleeting thoughts from past couple of months:
- I am going to be a parent.
- Someone's parent -- for real! This must be a joke.
- I'm not ready.
- Okay... now I'm ready.
- Here comes baby - why am I on my back in bed? Isn't this why I didn't want to do this in the hospital?
- God has a sense of humor.
- OKay, baby's here... now what?
- Feed him, clean him, love him - check, check and check.
- Not easy.
- Why is this so hard?
- That mother looks like she's got it together. That one has two! Three! Wow.
- Now I am working - why am I working?
- Right - have to eat, pay bills. Hate that -- no, wait. Love eating. Hate paying the bills. Right.
- Wonder if Noah ate yet - call David
- Did he eat? How much?
- Does he miss me? How would I tell if he did? He seems happy. That makes me sad. Which makes me feel guilty.
- Wonder if he pooped yet. Call David. No poop yet - all day thinking about Noah - poop - home - baby. No work done.
- Why am I obsessing about poop?
- Think about something else.
- First Word - Oh no! What to say for First Word?
- Don't talk about poop.
- Oops - too late. No time to write another - baby's hungry, dirty, cranky.
- Wait - missing the point - where is God in this?
- Oh right - God's in everything - all of it; random thoughts
... at work, at home,
... in isolation, in self-consciousness, in separation anxiety,
... in poop obsession, in random thoughts
... in doubts, in Noah's face, in David's embrace
... in my First Word, strange as it was
- Encouraging me to turn off this constant chatter in my head, be quiet, and listen.